What is so horrible about narcissists is most of us only become aware of these things after we are already in too deep with these sociopaths. These people usually have plans within plans of how they will deal with you if you try to leave them. They are sociopaths and can think things up and act on them that normal people would be ashamed to even have thought of in passing. My ex-spouse actually offered sexual favors to her own brother in order to get him to teach me a lesson when I finally broke free of her (he is a former gang member). The good news is I had proof (her brother apparently was horrified for the kids
should she get custody of them and kept her emails) and the family court judge actually did take this into account in terms of custody despite my being an evil man-beast and I got primary custody. I am mentioning this so you understand there is no limit to what these people will do. And sadly probably half the family court judges wouldn’t have cared because they already decided mom was getting the kids, period.
You are in a fight for your life with a sociopath — tread lightly but intelligently. The only way I know of to get away from these people is to act like them in terms of your thought processes. I said “act” not become like them. You must think of yourself (and your kids) with total exclusion of any empathy for your soon-to-be ex. Normal people have a tough time with this but you must learn to be indifferent to a narcissist (just don’t ever act indifferent to a narcissist or you might end up in a world of hurt). They are also so good at making you feel empathy for them while the soulless insects manipulate you along.
Give yourself time and develop a plan or better, multiple plans. Tell no one, and I mean no one, what you are planning. Narcissists are good at digging things out of people and they will likely see everything you do on the internet as well, so learn how to cover your tracks. They will probably know you read this, for example, if you hadn’t already anticipated that and acted to counteract it.
Detach yourself from them, manipulate and lie, use and discard them in your own mind but never reveal it to them. Understand you will never get even with them for what they have done to you. It is like trying to get even with a computer or an automobile; narcissists have no souls. Tell yourself this is what must be done. You must fight fire with fire or you will lose. There is usually no high ground you can take with a narcissist. If they suspect anything, they will attack in ways you never dreamed of. Unless you have wealth resources that they cannot touch and have no kids for them to use as weapons, you must deal with them on their level.
The narcissist’s one great weakness is they believe the rules apply to everyone but themselves and they assume — in fact, require — that you are “playing” by accepted social norms. You may not look at a relationship as “playing,” but they do. You’d better start knowing what you are up against if you want things to ever get better and get any of your life back! You aren’t the type to be taken down to their level, huh? Good. Congratulations. You are a good person and as a bonus prize, you lose, and God forbid if you have kids with these monsters because your kids lose, too! Hope you feel good with your life destroyed because you won’t go down to their level. You don’t have to become like them, but you must learn to understand the depths of their depravity and yes, you’d better be willing to fight them with the same weapons. They’re going to go nuclear and so must you. Throw rocks and see what happens when they lob a nuke at you. Take your time. Plan it out. Be secretive. This process actually will in itself give you some of your life back.
You must always pretend around the narcissist. If it feels funny to do that, remember they are pretending in every interaction they have with you. You must pretend you are on board with them. Pretend and then deceive them. That is what they do to you. You must do this. You must not ever try to be sly with them or hint at anything, including your newly found insight into what they really are and how their insect mind works. You’ll want to do this, but don’t! They will see right through you and know what you are doing. They are better at this than you are. They have been doing this their entire lives. Your only chance to pull it off is the element of surprise — lose that and you’re done. When you have done everything possible, dug up all the dirt possible, made every manipulative gesture possible to jockey for the best position for yourself, made sure you and your children can be as safe as possible, then leave them. It’s best to leave them with zero personal contact. File court papers immediately and have the narcissist served that day. They should not come home to an empty house and have grounds to call the police. Make sure when they come home to their empty house, they have court papers in hand and a brief explanation that you are gone and here is the court case number and attorney you can be contacted through. A short letter saying “I’ve left and this is where the children are and the courts will sort out the rest and until then you are not to contact me or them” is best.
Female narcissists have a huge advantage with family courts that either don’t believe men’s tales of abuse or even better, they believe it, but then blame the men because women are sugar and spice and everything nice and you must have been abusive to her to turn her into that beast. But, the good news is that it is getting better, slowly but surely in most of America.
If you live in a particularly vile state where you know with near certainty that the judge is going to hand mom the kids after your “fair” trial, then as part of your planning stages, you might want to try to relocate to a better state before you drop the bomb on all of this. I said before and absolutely am not saying to take the kids and leave the state you are in without consent. While the narcissist thinks things are going well, a nice relocation to a better state, for some other reason of course, might well be a good move. Again, think like they do and this is exactly something a narcissist would do, so should it be what someone trying to escape them should do.
I got her to move with me to a better state for that reason. I know that had we stayed where we were (Wisconsin which awards custody to the mother about 94 percent of the time) that no matter what I presented in terms of her unfitness for parenting (including the incest attempts and criminal solicitation of violence against me), nor the fact that I had always been the primary caretaker and a good one at that, would have mattered one little bit in Wisconsin family court. Short of her being incarcerated, she would have gotten the kids, period! And even then, they likely would have gotten her in some special program to get early because you know women need to get out of prison extra fast when they have kids so they can take care of them (still waiting to hear of those programs for men). Sorry if I just made this more complicated with the male/female component but it is a factor that men married to narcissist women need to take into account. Yes, your kids are prime weapons for her and she will do everything in her power to not only destroy your relationship with them, but won’t bat an eye to destroy the kids themselves if she really has it in for you and wants to hurt you more.
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