I have been in a serious relationship for 4 years with a guy I love dearly. However, recently, while talking, he started talking about him having sex with a guy. I thought he was totally kidding around but it soon turned serious and I got scared. He says he wants to experiment with a man and he wants me to be part of it. I love this guy but I dont think I can accept this. He says it might be fun and if he enjoys it he wants to continue doing it. I’ve never seen him like the kind of guy to be bisexual. He’s always been a manly man. I love him so much but I think this is going to damage our relationship. Please help me, should I continue this relationship?
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There are several issues to discuss with regard to your boyfriend and his wanting to experiement with his sexuality. These issues affect whether or not you decide to leave him.
First, there is the plain and simple fact that a monogamous relationship means that two people are committed to each other without interference from a third person. Feelings of trust and safety heavily rely on the fact that two intimate people know that they do not have to compete with any other individual. This is true whether or not homosexuality is involved. In other words, you would not want him involved with another woman just as you do not want him involved with a man.
Second, there is the really serious issue of sexually transmitted diseases affecting him and you if he were to be involved with someone else. Unfortunately and tragically, the risk of HIV infection remains very high in the homosexual community and there are people who delude themselves into believing that there is no longer any risk. If your boyfriend becomes involved with one man or many men, he could expose himself and you to HIV and, ultimately, to AIDS.
Third, it has been my experience as a therapist for more than thirty years, that open relationships in which everyone is free to have sex outside of the relationship, really does not work. Of course, there are always exceptions to any rule. However, human nature, including feelings of jealousy and resentment, become serious problems sooner or later. This is true whether there is hetersexualiyt, homosexuality or bisexuality involved.
Lastly, it is important to keep in mind the reasons why the average man and woman become intimately involved with one another. On the whole, the average couple is looking forward to the time when they will marry and have children. Today, even exclusively gay couples make the same plans. Open relationships do not lend themselves to family planning. For a healthy family to function properly, there must be stability and trust. I include gay couples who marry and raise children. What your boyfriend proposes mitigates against this.
One last caveat is that male homosexuality or bisexuality have nothing to do with being masculine. Many gay men are very masculine and that does not affect their sexual preferences.
In my opinion, you probably need to find a man who wants the same things you want.
– Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.
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