Living between the man I am and the girl I

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

If you are having similar struggles, dear reader, it would warm my heart to hear your story, your advice or even just your encouragement. Your comment below would be greatly appreciated.

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Dedicated to creating a safe, supportive and welcoming environment for everyone in the transgender community.

Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)

  • Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness – March 22, 2020
  • Scholar Program – Transwomen’s Social Support for Medication Adherence – April 6, 2019
  • Crossdresser Heaven Site Updates for January 2019 – January 28, 2019
  • You Are Enough – March 5, 2017
  • We Can Make It Into Something Wonderful – February 26, 2017

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