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James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 11

In graphic scenes on Tuesday night, a Married At First Sight couple details the TMI quirks of their sex life which no doubt horrify the husband’s deeply religious parents — and in equally offensive developments, a couple is pushed further apart by veganism.

Statistics show veganism is the number one cause of divorce in this country as well as being a big reason some people are just intolerable.

But we’ll cast aside the veganism sledging like a chickpea burger and return to it in a second. TMI sex confessions take priority.

Look, nothing’s more annoying than when you try let people into your life by revealing a personal detail and they screech, “TMI!” Jesus, I was just trying to tell everyone about my toe chafe over brunch. It’s called making conversation.

But in this instance, the confession is sex related and we just keep getting slapped in the face by it — detail after detail comes spilling. It’s TMI and it makes us incredibly uncomfortable and literally none of us asked for it but, in all honestly, I’m immensely happy to know it.

We kick in the door of Hayley and David’s joint and it smells like eggs.

“We went to the pub, had a pub meal, and we … GOT DOWN!” David announces over breakfast.

“Congratulations?” we cringe. But David isn’t done painting the picture.

We literally didn’t ask.Source:Channel 9

“I had a feeling Hayley and I would have common ground in the bedroom. We both aren’t into … vanilla sex. And last night was certainly not vanilla,” he continues as we shudder violently.

It’s around the time we start vomiting in our mouths that David goes and kicks the confession up a notch.

“I don’t think she was expecting me to be so … dominant,” he growls.

Ew. Nope. Shut it down. Somewhere, in an outback town, David’s religious mum and dad are frantically doing a full rosary.

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JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the MAFS recaps here

The scene of the crime.Source:Channel 9

Hayley decides she also wants to throw in her two cents about the bangfest.

“You know, sometimes you just want your hair pulled,” she beams.

“And sometimes you just want your hair … done,” we sigh, pulling a GHD out of our handbag.

Sex hair.Source:Channel 9

Hayley and David aren’t the only ones. There’s so much banging going on this apartment building probably has more cracks than the Opal Tower.

You know when you’re little and you dream of appearing on national TV in see-through underwear and lace bunny ears? Well, Cathy is living my dream. And that dame has also stolen my Mardi Gras outfit.

Who wore it best?Source:Channel 9

She then dry humps her husband while they role-play cops and cowboys and the sounds can’t be unheard. David’s religious parents probably also shivered at this.

Can’t wait until MKR tries to incorporate sexy role-play next year.Source:Channel 9

Meanwhile, the Ice Cube King and Queen are having troubles. Last time we saw Stacey, she had kicked Michael out of the apartment because he came home drunk.

“I honestly don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I literally went out for a few beers and ended up at the casino,” he drawls.

But Stacey doesn’t hesitate in refreshing his memory.

“You come in, drunk, you disrespected me, you were rude to me, you were on your phone, calling people and talking bad about me,” she snips.

Ooh. Secret phone calls! Nothing’s worse than when you’re on the phone to a mate and you think you’re home alone so you start bitching about your partner, but when you hang up you realise your partner’s been home the entire time and definitely heard you.

“It’s one thing to disrespect me and not treat me like a human being but it’s another thing to go around calling everyone and belittling me on the phone,” Stacey reprimands.

“I’m not ya puppy dog!” he screams and that’s this year’s, “I’m not ya therapist!”.

We love that Stacey artfully arranged her handbags in the background before filming her angry piece-to-camera.Source:Channel 9

In an effort to spend more than five minutes together, Amanda suggests to Tash they cook vegan food together. Amanda, like the majority of Australians, thinks vegan food is a joke, but she’s really trying to impress her wife. Upon receiving the invitation, Tash scrambles to find an excuse to get out of it.

“I just got my teeth whitened and they said I can only eat white food for 24 hours,” she stumbles, and I am SO using this as my catch-all excuse whenever I’m asked to do anything.

‘I can’t … I have to … visit my … hairdresser’s … cat … we’re going … shopping … for its … prom.’Source:Channel 9

“I could have steamed cauliflower with vegan feta,” she sighs, which is perhaps the most hideous sentence ever uttered.

Tash promises to make her wife a vegan burger on the condition Amanda doesn’t talk to her or look her in the eye.

“It takes a lot more than making a f**king burger to make a successful relationship,” Amanda mutters before being shushed.

It’s not the first time veganism has ruined a relationship. And it certainly won’t the last.

We slop our chickpea patty on the floor and skip on over to see if Connie and Jonethen are still being boring. She has spent the night on the couch in a fit of rage after she found out Jonethen broke her iPhone ban. We flick the lights on and off until they tell us more.

“She just wants all my attention … it’s why I hated the phone rule from the get-go,” he mumbles. “We’re in a relationship, it’s not a dictatorship.”

This sets off Connie and she tries to arc up, but even her arguments lack oomph.

“Dictatorship? Dictatorship? That’s your choice of word right now?” she huffs.

In a bid to calm Connie down, we tell them we’ve organised a special date for them. We then take them to an abandoned warehouse, push them inside and pull down the roller door with a clash.

“You said we were going bowling!” Connie screams.

“We lied! You’re not leaving until you draw a butt!” we declare through the metal door.

Connie is so offended by the butts she climbs up on a chair and scampers into the ceiling through an air vent, making a swift escape to the outside world.

The lesson here? Even if you don’t want to, sometimes it’s just easier to draw a butt. Kmart should print that quote in metallic cursive writing and put it on a statement poster.

For more observations on butts my hairdresser’s cat’s prom, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Jonethen is very diligent.Source:Channel 9

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